Here is an endorsement of becoming a new parent, Sarah Palin style.
Greetings to all my mamas and my almost-mamas, the happy preggos and the baby bumpers, the ladies in the pudding club and to those who just like pudding.
I’m here to lend my support to new parenthood because you all have gone through the wringer, or maybe not yet but you will. And these days it’s plop plop! Fizz fizz! All the time. It isn’t alka seltzer, it’s bodily fluids. Can I get a hallelujah!! Your little tootsie is going to simmer in his own juices like a crockpot stew. And guess what, you’re gonna wear those juices like a drugstore body wash. And you say, “Son of a biscuit, but I’ll just shower,” but these days, you gotta fight for your right to potty. You wana use the restroom, well cry me a river sister.
And little old ladies love, just love. Enjoy the Ooohs and Aaahs…because soon it’ll be side-eye and advice. Love the doting while you’ve got it. And also don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.
And when you care enough to send the very best…but really you don’t care at all, you aren’t sending anything. You’ve forgotten everyone’s birthday and that anyone else was alive and when you dressed as a zombie for Halloween, everyone thought that was really you! Snap! Crackle! Pop! That’s the sound of your old relationships.
So this is all funny haha, well not funny haha, more funny like I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN TO TURN OFF THE FOOTBALL GAME AND LEND ME A HAND, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING.
Bon Voyage! To all the single ladies on the party boat! Save me a seat, I’ll still be awake. Knick-knack, paddy whack! Right on the head because I haven’t slept in six weeks.
And I’m sick of it…! I’m doggone mad about it! They cry and they weep, they burp and they sleep. This one has a little star. This one has a little car. Say, what a lot of fish there are. Wait…where was I?
Oh and they’re so great. They grow so fast. Before you know it, they’re a little bit older and then you’re sane again. And you look back and say that time was so great. I could do it all over again.
Because love, love, love, love, crazy love. And that is why I endorse new parenthood. God bless all of the new mamas and the papas singing the California Dreamin’ that makes the world go round. And God bless America.