Suburban (Mom) Dictionary

10-minute pee

The act of going to the bathroom just so you can sit in a small space and be alone for ten minutes.

Jim’s been in there a long time. He must be taking a 10-minute pee so he can read the football scores instead of watch the kids.

 

Chorus of Rage

That moment when all of my kids are crying, screaming and/or melting down, usually in public.

Specifically: Partnered Paroxysm: When 2 kids are screaming at once.

Tantrum Trifecta: When 3 kids are screaming at once.

I didn’t mean to leave the restaurant early.  My kids cries crescendoed into an earsplitting Chorus of Rage and I had to get out of there.

 

Jenny McCarthy Science

The opposite of science.

Dude, did you see the report that just came out about the cancer link to processed meat?  Do you think it’s the real deal or Jenny McCarthy Science?

 

Lovey Extortion

When you have to pay a ridiculous price to replace your child’s beloved stuffed animal or lovey after it falls victim to bodily fluids.

Some eBay stuffed animal hoarder is guilty of lovey extortion!  I just paid $200 for a replacement stuffed monkey.

 

Post Traumatic Baby Syndrome *

A condition that develops once a Mommy has gone through the stress and trauma  of the pregnancy and baby years.

I must have Post Traumatic Baby Syndrome.  I saw an adorable little baby and I ran screaming in the opposite direction.

* Credit Cara G

 

Professional Moms

Moms who volunteer at the school, comb Pinterest for DIY homemade crafts for the teachers, cook organic casein-free meals for the family, always know how to parent their children, and look fantastic.

I think Wendy might be a Professional Mom.  Although she looks like she just left the salon, she actually spent all day weaving primitive pumpkin garlands for the entire second grade.

 

Razor-thin Temperature of Acceptability

The only acceptable temperature of bath water. A smidge hotter is scalding (according to your child) and a smidge colder is freezing.

It takes me twenty minutes to set up the bath since Jeannie has a razor-thin temperature of acceptability.

 

Sock Gremlins

The tiny creatures who live inside your dryer and eat exactly one of every pair of your child’s socks. 

I had to send Tom to school with mismatched socks again today. Sock gremlins strike again!

 

Stranger Side-eye

The disapproving and pointed look you get from strangers when you take your child out in public.

That little old lady gave me Stranger side-eye when my 4-year old ran around the store yelling “Uptown Funk You Up”.

 

Weekend Shower

The act of flinging some amount of water and soap onto your body during the 2 minutes your spouse has allotted for you to take a shower during a weekend.

Similar to Italian Shower but without the Axe Body Spray.

I’m sorry if I smell today. It was a 3-day weekend so I had to stretch out that weekend shower a bit longer than usual.